I bet this sounds like a stupid question - especially coming from a man. However, NoStupidQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics, so here I am - bear with me.
I genuinely don’t know what this feels like from the inside. I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid. Some are literally willing to pay for it. I don’t get it. What does that pull actually feel like?
I’m not judging - I’m trying to understand. I only know what it looks like from the outside, but I have no idea what it’s like on the inside. I’ve had sex multiple times, and it’s fine, but it seems vastly overrated to me. Clearly, I’m not getting out of it what most other men are, so I’m trying to understand the baseline experience.
My motivation for asking is that I’m working on myself and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull. However, with things like lifting weights, I at least have a clear image in mind of what I’m working toward - but it’s harder to define that when it comes to subjective experiences.
I can’t answer because I have it exactly the same as you OP, just maybe to add some points. As you said, I remember seeing my friends having this incredible drive, this incredible pull, like nothing in the world is more important right here right now than to get that girl tonight. Lying, backstabbing, spending money, anything goes. It was to the point they basically changed personalities almost completely. I remember the worst example was that one time one of my best friends tried to ridicule me in front of a girl he met like 30 min ago (and I saw he’s immediately interested in her), because me and her were chatting about something and she seemed interested in the topic. I was like “dude wtf? I’m not trying to ‘steal her’ from you, we’re just talking”
But anyway, some 2 cents what helped me with that. So I did 2 things at almost the same time and I’m not sure which one did the trick - I started exercising (running) and stopped masturbating. But my guess is it was the later, after like a month I felt like I could ‘smell the colors’ - I was constantly horny and my shyness went almost completely away. The pull still wasn’t on the level of my friends, but yeah, there was a change in me
You quit masturbating or porn and masturbating? If it’s the latter, then how do you know masturbating was the issue?
I’ve never seen nofap advice given in good faith.
I’ve done NNN a couple times and found the “benefits” to be pretty minor. It did make me more aggressive and outgoing but that started after a few days and leveled off quickly and by the end of it I was practically foaming at the mouth anytime anything remotely sexy happened which was really annoying… So if jerking too much is dulling your edge maybe cut back to every few days but otherwise I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
Refraining from sex accumulates a lot of energy/will in you, it’s great (in moderation). After a week or two I experience a huge buildup in confidence and motivation. It’s just difficult getting to that point, heheh
From my time on Reddit I find people find nofap then start listening to Ben Shapiro and Joe Rogan and next thing you know they’re brown shirts for the GOP.
Wow, ok. What’s the link exactly ? is it religion/abstinence ? but Shapiro and Rogan are not particularly religious are they ?
The idea that refraining from masturbating builds up some kind of internal energy is pretty popular in the incel community, a kind of modern take on conservative daoist sexual energy beliefs. Once you start really looking into it, this stuff feeds directly into the manosphere since they talk all the time about it. It’s also not really a new thing, just reworked to be algorithm friendly.
I’m skeptical of the whole nofap idea - at least in the “never masturbate again” sense - because the scientific consensus seems to be that masturbation is fine, even beneficial, in moderation. Porn, however, is a different story. It might be more like alcohol: objectively harmful even in moderation, but in practice the negative effects are negligible for most moderate users. You could even make an argument that it has some situational upsides. But there are also people who clearly develop real issues with it - where it starts to affect their lives in negative ways. When it comes to porn, I’m one of those people.
Now, if I stop masturbating, that automatically means I’ve quit porn too - and it’s very possible I’ll see an improvement in my life satisfaction as a result. I can see how someone might then turn into a nofap advocate, but I think the risk there is misattributing the cause. The problem probably isn’t masturbation itself - it’s porn.
I’ve quit both for now, but I do plan to start masturbating again at some point. Porn, though, I’m not sure I should even try to moderate. For me, that’s like an addict saying they’ll only try a little heroin.
Wait, you’re not certain what horniness feels like, but you consider yourself somewhat of a porn addict? Now I need YOU to explain how you feel :P
I’ve read through most of the comments here and many of them ring true to me. Especially this one: https://lemmy.ca/comment/19383774
I am that pervert. Not outwardly, but inside my head? Yeah. Sex is on my mind often, and I use porn as an outlet to kindle and experience those urges when it wouldn’t otherwise be appropriate. I’ve started taking ADHD meds and a lot of that day to day horniness has gone away, simply because my mind isn’t idle as often, and when it’s idle or bored that’s when it reaches for the junk food: lust. Porn (or sex), when I’m in that state, is the most interesting thing in the world. I could, and do, watch it for an hour or more to draw out the experience because sexual energy is so mental for me. It’s what makes kinks so attractive because sex becomes a mind game.
So, with that aside, can you explain to me what exactly you find attractive about porn to the point you think it might be an impediment, if you don’t feel really horny? My GF has a low libido and as a result she rarely watches porn, so I’m not sure how the two mix. She also enjoys orgasms, but doesn’t seek them, and when she does watch porn to get off she does it quickly and doesn’t really relish it. She definitely doesn’t have an addiction, but maybe you can still help me better understand her, and other perspectives a little better. Because yeah, in my mind porn has always equaled horny.
Porn and masturbation feel good. It’s the physical stimulation I’m addicted to - porn just amplifies it. You can even take it further with porn, drugs, and masturbation combined. It’s not about having an itch that I’m trying to get rid of; it’s about the sensation of scratching it that I crave. I start watching porn and masturbating first, and only then does the feeling of “horniness” follow. The idea of walking around with that itch - without having first triggered it through stimulation - is completely foreign to me. And honestly, I don’t need anyone else to scratch it for me - I’m better at it myself.
It sounds like you’re describing having a responsive sex drive. That’s usually attributed more to women, but is still completely normal for guys from what I’ve read. My GF is the same in that she can get in the mood from attention, but the desire doesn’t come to her often out of nowhere.
I come from the spontaneous sex drive side, so it’s hard to imagine not being in the mood or not having these thoughts come up all the time. I go to porn because my mind craves the sexual energy. Sometimes I’ll watch or read it without masturbating because the feeling of arousal and mental stimulation is so enjoyable.
I like and accept who I am, but honestly if I take a step back and look at things objectively, would I recommend having a high sex drive? Probably not. When you see random people walking down the street you check them out. When you get introduced to a coworker’s friend you immediately think of fucking them and try to keep your eyes off their tits the whole night. You know people are more than objects, but your caveman brain is still there telling you otherwise. It’s kind of a biological curse, but it can be a lot of fun. If you’re happy with what you have then that’s probably fine.
No, I kind of agree - in a way, it is a superpower. Not wanting something is as good as having it. The desire to have sex with someone doesn’t cloud my judgment. I don’t have to waste mental or physical energy chasing something that’ll just come around again anyway. I’m free to use that time and energy for other things, while still being able to enjoy romantic relationships and non-sexual intimacy.
The problem is that what I was told growing up - that women don’t really want sex and men have to beg for it - just hasn’t matched my experience. Women do want sex, and when you’re the one who doesn’t, it can really mess up your relationships. I know women like that exist, and I’d love to find one - but for whatever reason, I seem to attract the wrong kind.
I think women more often have responsive sex drives like I mentioned earlier. This causes an imbalance where they are perceived to “not want sex” because they don’t seek it at the rate men do. Mix that with social norms over the years where women’s livelyhood was tied to men and it’s natural they would bait men with it in some capacity. This is a broad generalization of course, but lines up with the anecdotes you heard growing up.
How often is too often for you? Once a day, week, month? Are you just out of your teens, young adult, or middle aged?
I would say it’s like a strong appetite for food.
Imagine you just ate, you pass a street vendor and the food looks and smells delicious. You have the time, the money to stop and get some street food. Maybe it’s bad for your health, but it’s worth it in the moment.
I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid.
That’s dumb, it’s a strong desire and it can make you do dumb stuff like buying 2-3x the street food amount you can eat, but it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.
Someone who cheats doesn’t cheat because they’re horny, they cheat because they never properly valued the relationship they’re in to begin with. Same for the career stuff, they probably got away with it so far, and they go too far like people go over the speed limit with their car. Whatever risk exists, they think it doesn’t apply to them or that situation.
eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull.
I don’t think it’s a thing you can train or learn, it’s too biological. And it’s not worth chasing that much. Staying with the food metaphor, some people love food so much, they travel, learn to cook, experiment, it’s a whole hobby. And others are fine with mostly eating the same food every day, use little spices and never learn even to cook good simple dishes like pasta with a decent sauce.
If it’s a problem in your relationship because your partner doesn’t feel valued that way, solve it the same way you answer what to eat: go along with what they want, surprise them with a visit to a restaurant you know they like etc… But also talk and explain to them that you will probably not change that way and they have to accept that.
it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.
Just want to point out Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CBSD) is somewhat recognized depending on who you ask. The topic of sex addiction is a bit controversial and I believe usually gets lumped in with gambling addiction. This doesn’t really invalidate what you said, just tries to add some context around why people might be driven to self-destructive actions like that.
I’ve often seen sex addiction added to other addictions when discussing ADHD or other mental issues. Gambling, alcohol, drugs, and sex.
I think I agree with your sentiment that sex is overrated. I quite enjoy it, but the way it is portrayed in media is usually more extreme than my own feelings and those of men around me.
I remember when I was around 16-18. I started to diet and exercise, was on the tail end of puberty in my physical prime and drenched in hormones. Went to high school and was surrounded by people my own age experiencing the same. Culture and marketing leads to high school girls constantly fighting with the adults and dress codes to wear skimpier, tighter clothing. I had my first girlfriend and we were both excited to start messing around. And there’s a philosophical component- why do we exist? We are a repeating pattern (DNA) that exists not for a reason, but because it can. Life that does not procreate dies, so in a sense procreation is the most life-y thing you can possibly do.
At the same time, I knew better. I was lucky to have sex education and not be in a very religious household. A couple of friends, and my first girlfriend, were victims of sexual assault. I had seen other men succumb to their desires, ruin their own lives, hurt people around them. Not to mention the very real threats of pregnancy and disease. So even while my physiology craved it and my philosophy guided me towards it, my mind pumped the brakes.
The physiology waned as I got older. Or perhaps just distracted with college and work, maintaining an apartment and then a house. My energy was directed elsewhere. My wife and I quickly settled on having sex roughly once a week.
About a year ago though, we created a polycule with another couple. It was really hard for me to keep up at first. I would have to watch my nutrition- make sure I don’t overwat or ear heavy and greasy foods beforehand. Make sure I was working out and physically active in general, but not a full workout right before or else my muscles would be too tired. Mentally, I would have to start purposefully thinking about sex for several hours beforehand to make sure I was in the right headspace and ready to perform. The past 3 months have been suddenly dry due to just calendar issues and some minor medical procedures in the group, so I’ve found myself in this routine of trying to be horny and keep up but suddenly without the payoff of it. I also have a touch of the 'tism and really like predictable routines and long-term planning while the other 3 people are bi-polar or severe ADHD, and they all seem to have little issue with going from cozy to horny almost instantly.
The actual feeling of horniness I think is similar to most other biological functions. Being hungry or thirsty or sleepy, needing to urinate or defecate. I view it similarly, ideally on a roughly 2-4 day cycle. Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days. I’d find it difficult to get hard for a couple hours after, and difficult to cum again for at least 6, more like 24 hours after. By day 4 I noticed I start to get a little bit more irritable, a little bit more stressed out by little things. Longer than that and sexual thoughts start to interrupt my normal thoughts processes. Blue balls is real too. I know some men exaggerate the affect to manipulate women into sex, and some women have started to think blue balls isn’t real, but the reality is that it’s real minor inconvenience that I try to avoid.
The Wolf of Wall Street scene where they talk about masturbating multiple times a day is hyperbole, but not entirely inaccurate. I think there’s a lot of value to a quick, utilitarian jack off for some cheap stress relief and clarity. Having sex with others is fun, but people obsess over it too much in my opinion.
Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days.
Yours lasts for days? I’m lucky if I can get a couple hours out of it.
The big noticeable effect lasts probably about an hour. But I’d say there’s probably a 10% residual clarity that sticks around and slowly goes away over a day or two.
Hmm. Can’t say I experience that. If anything the lack of clarity comes back even stronger after a short while because my dick is like “that was awesome let’s go again”.
I’m with the other dude, I get maybe 10 minutes of noticeable clarity and we’re ‘normal’ again within an hour or two.
Every time you try to focus on anything besides wanting to cum your brain redirects you to that desire.
It takes some mental control to stay focused when the horny flares up.
Even if you masterbate, it usually only subsides for a few hours before the intrusive thoughts start popping up again.
The intensity of the feeling died down a lot after puberty was done with me.
It’s a somewhat uncomfortable feeling tbh, like being pulled towards something. Physically, it’s slightly achy and stiff with the feeling of my heartbeat all over like a race is about to start. Emotionally, it depends. With someone I care about and who cares about me, it’s almost like because they’re accepting me in a state that I usually try to hide, there’s this almost sugary feeling of excitement. With someone casual, there’s a feeling of relief. Sustained arousal after the initial portion feels stiff, less intense, and kinda fleeting… but it’s also easy to get overwhelmed.
It’s hard…
Closest analogy I can think of is hunger, only I am more motivated to satisfy one than the other. Guess which.
For me, as someone with serious libido issues, its unbearable, I want it constantly and cannot sate it. I get maybe 15 minutes of clarity after getting some, then my brain is back to see immediately after. Its a curse for me, I’ve been talking to a doctor but I don’t know what to do. Honestly, it feels good, like really good. But afterwards I feel terrible, like why did I want that so much? But I feel like my experience is an odd one.
So a medication I take increases libido. I already had a very high libido.
What helped a lot was having an iron will.
What helped more was having that will forged into steel by having my hand and arm injured. I have become like a monk now at holding it back and keeping focus.
Bonus points I can now basically get through pain or missy anything through sheer willpower alone (note: this could be a bad thing too, like not throwing up when you ate something bad and should have).
Is this some sort of alpha male post? Wtf are you on about?
Looks to me like they are on about some shared life experience
That is not how that reads
Right there with you buddy. Unfortunately I don’t have an answer other than trying to hyperfocus on other things and avoid shit that gets you going.
I suppose I was pretty horny as a teen. Had most of my life’s sex from 16-19. After that my interest waned, and I likewise never really understood why so many people seem willing to throw away their lives for 5 minutes of pleasure. There’s more free porn out there than you could watch in a lifetime.
Taking ssri’s since my early twenties probably didn’t exactly help my libido, but everything still works at the very least.
You guys are able to have orgasms with SSRI’s? /j
It still worked, but added an hour of labor to a 5 minute job.
SSRIs?
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. A class of antidepressants. Although I’ve since graduated to SNRI’s and tricyclics.
Ah. Sounds rough man. You doing ok? I’m sure you’re not golden, but more ups than downs hopefully.
I got fired from my 10-yr job this week, so I’ve been better lol. Relationship-wise, I’m blessed with a very understanding partner, so I consider myself rich in that regard.
There seems to be a rash of that going around as of late. Couple years back the company I was working for pulled up stakes in my area. The company as a whole was scaling back in rural areas. But, I eventually found something else. I know you will as well. Just hang tough for a bit. It’ll come around.
Idk, what does it feel like to not be horny?
It’s like a drug. Like when you’re around a person you’re attracted to and they’ll say or do something that triggers shot of chemicals to your brain and all you can think about is how to get more of that feeling, which sucks if it wasn’t intentional on their part and they’re not interested in you because now you have to fight against basically a drugged state to shut that shit down while trying to be normal around them. Jerking off produces the same feeling but there’s something missing that makes it less satisfying than being with another person.
Imagine your pants getting smaller.
Instructions unclear, ate burgers for 10 years and gained 30kg.
A deep and primal yearning that crashes over you in waves. A thorn in your psyche; always a subtle throbbing but impossible to ignore once anything diverts your attention to it. Constant intrusive thoughts, loneliness, frustration, panic, desperation, aggression.
Other people are saying its akin to hunger, but I’d say it’s more like thirst. There’s a stronger sense of urgency and a subtle feeling that’s always present and ready to bubble up to the surface at any moment to override everything else.
If only rubbing one’s belly could rid hunger like the rubbing of one’s genitalia removes lust…
It doesn’t really though, rubbing one is the equivalent of a really weak Pho; no matter how good it was in the moment you’ll be starving by dinner, like eat-your-napkin starving to death.
Wow, I am impressed by the accuracy and the sensibility of your description. I have little to add
Also why they call desperate people thirsty
I haven’t read that
Y’know, maybe I’ve just never been that thirsty.
As someone with a low libido (and possibly on the ace spectrum), these replies have been interesting, and I gotta say, despite the problems it can cause, I’m kinda glad I’m this way. I know about having strong cravings for things, but having such cravings for other people sounds awful.
The flipside of this coin, is that a lot of people want to feel desired. Having someone who active craves you, can satisfy that desire.
Yeah, I’ve felt my high libido or whatever to be somewhat of a curse sometimes. It’s sometimes very distracting and hard to stop thinking about. It’s also caused me to make a lot of poor decisions in my life. Thankfully, my libido has chilled out a bit as I’ve got older; used to be hard for no reason for about half the day when I was younger and had to masturbate before leaving my home for class/work just so I could focus better, lol.
Amen
Yeah, it drives a lot of people to violence, self harm, and suicide. Like look at how hateful incels are, because of how they are deprived of sexual and intimate craving.
I tend to agree. If only I could find a partner with equally low interest for sex. So far it has been the opposite which naturally causes issues.
One thing I’d be curious about for you, if you’d be open to it, would be looking for someone in the poly community. Obviously people in the poly community tend to be on the more sexual side of the spectrum, but not all such people are always exclusively about sex. Counter-intuitively you may be able to find someone in that community that can go your speed, not because they live at that speed naturally, but because you aren’t their only outlet for that stuff, so they may be fine with you being just a romantic partner. And there’s no reason you need to have multiple partners, so long as you’re okay with your partner having multiple partners.
The most obvious risk is if you’re romantically jealous, besides the more obvious sexually jealous. That may be a deal-breaker. And if you’re looking for someone to be with you at all times, that’s probably not going to work either.
But if you approach it was openness and a “what have I got to lose” attitude, you may be able to find some low-pressure companionship!
Quick note if you look into it: you may see the term “solo poly”. And you may think this either means a poly person currently only with a single partner, or maybe a poly person that is currently unpartnered. These would be good guesses but also wrong! Solo poly is a person who essentially has relationships with other people, but always secondary to their relationship with themselves. Effectively they’re not looking to move in together or “get too serious” or whatever, just dating, and they maintain a “solo lifestyle”. This doesn’t have to mean nothing is long term, it doesn’t have to mean it’s only casual hookups, but if you’re looking for a life partner or someone to wake up next to every morning or do taxes with, this isn’t their vibe.
Good luck!
I was in an open relationship with my ex, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not for me. I understand that polyamory isn’t the same thing, but honestly, I think that would be even worse. I can handle the idea of her having sex with other guys - but the thought of her having romantic feelings for them is something I just can’t bear. I’m done with that kind of setup.
Right now, I’m focusing on dealing with my porn (and weed) addiction to see if quitting those changes anything. I’m also open to the idea of dating another guy - something I haven’t tried yet. But if neither of those things works out, and I can’t find a partner who’s okay with very little or no sex, then I guess that’s just the end of dating for me.
Fully understandable… almost. I’ll admit I’m a little confused to hear there’s a porn addiction in the mix. Not in a judgement kinda way, porn can be fine for some people, but I don’t normally associate heavy porn usage with low-libido?
Again, neither is inherently wrong, I’m just surprised and wonder if maybe I misread the situation, you know?
Here’s what I responded to other user about this:
Porn and masturbation feel good. It’s the physical stimulation I’m addicted to - porn just amplifies it. You can even take it further with porn, drugs, and masturbation combined. It’s not about having an itch that I’m trying to get rid of; it’s about the sensation of scratching it that I crave. I start watching porn and masturbating first, and only then does the feeling of “horniness” follow. The idea of walking around with that itch - without having first triggered it through stimulation - is completely foreign to me. And honestly, I don’t need anyone else to scratch it for me - I’m better at it myself.
Here’s the full exhange incase you’re interested
