When I was in NYC schools, I used to play with rubber bands, and I’d fold paper into tiny “bullets” and I’d “slingshot” them at things for fun… I mean, I was like probably 9 years old and smartphones weren’t even a thing yet and I had no DS like some rich kids in my class did (early 2010s for context). So, anyways, I was messing with ciphers with another kid, and we were in the same grade and same class in the afterschool program we went to, so we’d kinda pass notes to each other using the cipher, by slingshotting the piece of paper.

So I was nearsighted. I can’t aim properly. I was trying to aim like at that kid’s desk, I accidentally hit the staff/teacher/volunteer (idk what he even count as, don’t think they are officially licensed teachers, it’s some non-profit program and there were a bunch of volunteers, probably doing it as community service hours for college or something)… dude got mad at me and I got in trouble, and because I was in a foreign country, I felt very vulnerable, I felt scared, and I just cried…

The other time was like in a different afterschool program. I think it was like 3rd grade, and they played some holiday music around december, I remeber it feeling very like Christmas… but anyways, idk what happened, I think the music just triggered my sensory issues or something (I have no diagnoses of anything btw), so I just felt this sudden urge… so I went up to the smartboard thing and turned down the volume. The white lady teacher got so pissed at me, she marked my behavior chard to red (I think I remember she was also my homeroom teacher, so she had control over the behavior chart thing), red is the worst, yellow is a warning, green is good behavior.

It wasn’t even official class time, it was afterschool. Why does behavior outside school hours even count?

So I couldn’t go on school trips until I “behaved” again.

Like…

I just cried…

Yes I cried very often…

I was a scared little kid in a foreign country and had no idea wtf is going on.

I remember being excluded from a lot of trips, and have no clue wtf was happening around me.

Like… seriously I didn’t even damage anything… the music was just hurting my ears… my sanity…

Why yell at a 9 year old child that doesn’t even speak much English?

Fucking karen.

So I kinda just feel very intimidated by teachers from that moment on.

I think I vaguely remember a few dreams in my late teens, like way after my family left NYC, where I remember, in the dream, being trapped in an elementary school classroom, from where I was waking up so anxious…

Incorporating “AI” into nuclear silos when?

Wargames much?

Skynet?

(Don’t worry tho, the LLM will probably fail to know how to launch and blow up the silos instead xD)

“How do I not poop for 3 days?”

Honestly, I think about my family and its gets weirder and more bizzare the more I think about it.

For context, most families in China during the era I was born in was suppsed to have only 1 child… but mom decide to violate policy…

So my older brother was originally supposed to be an only child if the policy was obeyed…

So this is what happens with most families: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Emperor_Syndrome

I’m not sure if my brother really knew about One Child Policy at that age, but regardless, I think he got really jealous when after 5 years of being my parents sole focus… suddenly he learns that someone else is gonna be joining the family…

Like he’ll no longer have the sole attention…

I think that’s why he views me as an adversary.

I mean, I remember being extrememly clingy to my mom when I was 8-12… I think he must’ve gotten really jealous when he saw me cuddling with my mom…

like… dude why didn’t you cuddle with mom then? lmao

Literally I feel like as we got older we have this cold war to win mom’s favor in order to try to gain a larger share of the inheritance (we didn’t really have much back then, but now parents have more stuff so naturally more… envy of each other… of how much mom likes the other one).

I mean I get it… when I was like 12 or so… my mom joked about wanting a 3rd child and I was like: noooo pleasee don’t divert attention away from me

but mom can’t actually have another child due to the forced sterilization after the government found out she had given birth to me.

few siblings growing up

it was fun

Flashbacks to the time when my abusive older brother used zipties to restain me for a few hours when my parents weren’t home because he found me to be “very annoying”… 👀

(I was like no older than 6 and he was like 11)

Uses 10/30 to kill 1 enemy

20/30 left

reloads

2nd enemy appears appears all the sudden literally 1 frame after I pressed “R”

me trying to run away and forgot secondary weapons existed

realizes I’m a noob and probably should quit gaming forever

So like a selective suspension of empathy for anyone not part of your “in-group”?

Sure… I’ll take it.

I mean, I was already gonna prioritize my group over others… this doesn’t change much for most people… an average pleb like me can’t save the world, so I’d save those I care about first.

If I somehow end up being a leader where I actually have the ability to change things… my memories could still be there as a spiritual guide… as in hey, now you are in control, save those that are weak… hopefully I don’t forget to be a good person lol…

As for everyone else… probably a lot more intense tribalism. Its gonna be even more fucked if someone consider themselves to be the only person in their “in-group”…

Studies have down that people with adult children tend to be happier than older, childless people.

I think this is probably why my mom really want to control me all the time… she’s afraid she’ll lose me and be alone…

like… mom wtf… I’d like you a lot more if uou gave me a bit of room to breathe…

Mom is keep pushing the idea of marriage to my older brother (who’s 28) because she’s afraid he’ll be (and I quote) “be alone for the rest of his life”… for context my dad got married at 31.

They still care about us, even though I am a piece of shit. Just not total I guess. Or maybe they tolerate me for their mom.

As a young adult… speaking from the kid’s perspective… there’s like this sort of feeling that is so… hard to explain… this connection…

My mother is/was very emotionally abusive by western standards, but still… I have this weird attachment to her… separation anxiety… or trauma bonding? idk…

I mean does it improve my ability to survive?

Like I have depression, does it make my depression go away for the duration of its effects?

Sure, maybe I’ll take it.

I mean, I still remember what empathy is from my hippocampus, and I’ll just remind myself not to be a monster…

But I guess the major downsides is that I would not longer be able to “feel” the atmosphere of a movie/tv show. No longer able to “feel” the music. “Feel” the poems I write… idk if I could even write poems anymore.

No longer be able to feel the emotions associated with my past… the nostalgia… the pain… the trauma…

I hate the trauma…

But at the same time… it reminds me who my enemies are, so I don’t make that same mistake again… so I’ll know… know to take precautions… cuz my enemy is still alive and nearby…

I need to be able to feel to finish my memoir (finish lol more like start writing it… I barely got 100 words in).

So…

idk…

temporay effects… maybe…

I wouldn’t take a permanent one…

I like the idea of a ham radio, but too voice shy to actually talk lol, so I don’t bother with it.

There will be lives where I never read The Egg by Andy Weir

We are all murderers… and their victims

mourning an idea of what having a family would be

I sometimes fanticized about an alternate timeline where my parents were much more lovely.

I mean I do keep trying to remember the moments where I really love spending time with my mom… but unfortunately those memories are far and between… so much of the emotional abuse in between it… so much times where I cried…

I’m just desparately hanging on to those good memories…

I refuse to believe my mom is evil… its as if an alien shapeshifter took her place… the mother I should’ve had…

I sometimes just wish I was born to a Norweigian family… imagine the happiness…

unfortunately… their population is so low… odds of being born there is so miniscule… reincarnation could be a thing, and you can die 100 times and still never make it there. most likely be born in some developing country…

universe so cruel…

welp, its either that or eternal nothingness… which is just also fucking sad… nothing will ever happen again…

selling/trafficking me for drugs, and almost murdering me

What the fuck?

Bruh even my abusive parents weren’t this crazy

Ketchup wtf

that ruins the egg lol

Nah just the eggs are fine, sprinkle some salt and its good

Bruh, I cant make shit.

I guess just cook rice (using a rice cooker obviously, idk how they cook it before rice cookers, I never tried the old methods) and fry some eggs… 🤷‍♂️

I suck at “being an adult”

Publish Piefed before Lemmy ever existed to minimize the tankie influence

You don’t need a samsung account lol. You probably missed the small text that allows you to skip it.

I LOLed at “Soccer Mexico”

It’s funny how Brazil is just ingrained in my subconsciousness as “The Soccer Country” along with like Spain I think

12 Angry Men

Seconded. As a Gen Z, that is the only black&white film I could actually watch, never had an interest in anything else that old.

“Huh? You know me? Really? Wow I never knew I was that popular. Sorry but I have no clue who you are.”