Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they’re 1000% incorrect and that they’re the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I’ll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we’ve been together I’ve never even asked them for a hand job if they didn’t feel up to sex because I didn’t want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they’re also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I’m most likely on it too.
Hey.
I honestly don’t know whether this would be a good idea, or a bad one, but that’s up to you;
What if… what if… you talked about your gf about a professional photographer? I know it could sound way more daunting to someone with body dysmorphia, but also, sometimes photographers are really good at handling shy subjects and being extra good at making people’s comfortable. And to do it, she could take a bit of Dutch Courage or something idk an anti-anxiety pill, perhaps.
The point being that professional photos might make her see her body as more sexy as she usually looks at it in a mirror and not through professional photography.
Also it would mean you’d be able to make larger and larger prints as your vision degenerates. And even if she didn’t want to look at them, or feel like getting naked at some point, maybe she’d still subconsciously realise that you really do think she’s beautiful as you keep going back to browse the photos and have a quick wank lol.
Anyways, just a thought.
Well, of course you can ask but your condition grants you no privileges over someone else’s boundaries. You’re only the asshole if you don’t respect those boundaries.
For me, from the looks of things, NTA. Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if you know how to navigate it right.
Have you attempted showering them with barely contained lust? Like looney tune style ‘awooga’ stuff?
Sadly that avenue doesn’t work on my partner. Still unhappy with body. in fact I get “your just so lustful my body condition is irrelevant”. So it counter productive.
Yeah, she asked me to stop because it made her more self conscious.
One thing to keep in mind with body dysmorphia is that what you think about their body is unlikely to change how they feel about their body. Often times, dysmorphia doesn’t stem from outside influences, and is an entirely internal struggle. Depending on what their dysmorphia is rooted in, showering them in praise may help them accept their body, or may compound their negative emotions (“I’m ugly and I’m dating an idiot”).
You both have valid desires, but they’re both at odds with each other. Honestly, I’d recommend a therapy session for the both of you. It would probably be beneficial to have a neutral third party involved in the conversation.
So, suppose your partner uses her BDD to pressure you into not looking at her naked, saying she’ll be okay being naked around you once you lose your sight. How would that make you feel?
There are great answers here. I tell my husband he sees with eyes of love, not with a critical gaze like I have for myself.
I think asking is a good idea, and impending blindness is not an excuse. Don’t push but do explain like you have for us here.
If you have a very joking relationship, maybe tell her that if you go blind without the vision of her, you are gonna have to feel her up all the time to figure out her body.
This is really difficult as your impending doom feelings are somewhat clouding your natural inclinations.
However, it seems like you have not expressed your desires, wishes and reasoning openly and transparently, which would be a good start.
I would say one-sided gratification is not inherently bad if there is trust, safety, an easy out and frequent check-ins, but those need constant attention.
I would echo other commenters saying ultimately you’ll have to feel your way.
You wouldn’t be an asshole for asking, but you would be an asshole if you kept insisting after they said no.
Communication is great, coercion is not.
Also sounds like therapy would be a good idea, but that can be said of anyone.
Perfect answer.
coercion is not.
I emphasize this detail with several exclamation marks!!!
Still depends on the relationship, person, and intent. I can’t speak for others. I may react initially negatively, but I am open to coercion.
Crime is really about intent more than any other factor. Manipulation and coercion can be done with positive and negative intent. If a person manipulates me at a clever level with the best of intentions, I have no problem with it, but again, I only speak for myself.
I may react initially negatively, but I am open to coercion.
You are open to being convinced.
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No you don’t. :p
Manipulation and coercion when used for dialogue and arguments are inherently negative. That is the meaning that the words carry. Trying to use them in the way that you did means you used the wrong words when trying to communicate with anyone else.
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Lol you’re just a boring narcissist advocating for conditional love and emotional abuse.
Recommend the books Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Controlling People by Patricia Evans. And Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Many available for free as pdfs or from local libraries.
The hard part is that they’ve stated that the reason they don’t offer to get me off when they’re not up to sex is because I don’t ask enough, but I don’t ask enough because if they’re not feeling well enough for sex then it seems shitty of me to ask for personal gratification at all.
But it’s really hard to gauge when they’re not feeling well enough to do anything, and when they’re well enough to do it
Not that me cumming is directly relational to me seeing them naked, but it speaks to my hesitation to ask. Because I do ask to see, but they seem to intentionally conflate me asking to see with me asking for sex, even though I’ve explained that when I ask to see I’m literally asking to see them naked.
I have asked for them to think of a way I can ask for personal gratification without seeming callous to their feelings, but like most requests of this nature it falls on deaf ears. Probably because they’re demisexual and don’t really understand a cis gendered straight male on testosterone’s sex drive.
It’s because they aren’t attracted to you anymore. You aren’t making her wet. Your personality and manipulations and probably other relationship issues are contributing. The New Sex Therapy by Kaplan is a book that basically says this exact issue is caused by that. You probably need months of couples therapy and letting her let you know when she is ready and letting her reject you. It may take years if the problem is because she had sex out of obligation (self rape in a way, perhaps rape by you if you’re always coercive like in the OP). She may never heal and may never enjoy sex with you or anyone again.
That seems like a massive reach.
It isn’t.
We have sex every day, so that’s not our issue, but on asking for stuff we do have differences. I won’t ask for something unless I need it, husband will ask for stuff, but he is literally just asking and fine with a no. I have different ways of asking when I don’t need something, will ask ABOUT things I don’t need, like “would you consider” or “what do you think about” but if I say “would you please do X” it’s because I NEED you to do that.
So you may think asking is applying pressure, but she may, like my husband, just think it’s a multiple choice question with no as good an answer as yes.
Excuses are never useful as a replacement for good communication.
Of course not, but when good communication is stifled by a field of eggshells, you do what you can.
Our communication on the subject is pretty good, but that alone doesn’t solve the issue. It’s hard to see a way to open that line of communication without them being offended
The hard part is communicating my needs without trampling on their feelings, because at a certain point the onus shifts off of me and I don’t want my SO to have that pressure
This is the point at which you should begin looking for a couples therapist
communicating […] without trampling on their feelings
That’s right. There are better things that can be done with feelings.
Such as?
Just tossing on: ‘If I have to go blind I want to make your naked body the vision I take with me into the darkness’ sounds like a hell of a compliment, and maybe the basis for a gothic love song/novella.
Y’all been together 10y. Uncomfortable conversations are necessary sometimes. I think you’re going to have to crack some of these eggshells. How you crack them is another thing. I think you gotta start with cracking your own shell about asking. Simply stating you’re horny for example. Whether at that point she’s down for sex, a bj, hj or you have to jerk it in the shower are all valid results of that statement that she has control over. If she says no piv sex but she’ll give you a bj you kinda gotta take her word for it.
My now wife once said she’d give me a bj or sex anytime I asked and I said she underestimated how horny I was. I was right but it was a good week and now she’ll say no if she’s not feeling up to it. A short bit of discomfort, no harm done, longterm benefit where i can ask without coercion worries (usually) and she can respond without being afraid of hurting my feelings or giving me blue balls.
Where’d you get that “she” from?
OP refers to “her” and “she” in other comments. Whatever gender the SO is the overall advice still stands. If your partner says they’re not willing for sex but are ok with oral or a handy then you have to trust that they know themselves. You also have to communicate that you want more sexual release than you’re getting and figure out how that works in.
This really calls for an interpretive dance.
Unfortunately I retired from drinking
SO: has BDD, fears not being enough
You: “I’m going blind. The only thing I want to remember in this world is you”
Important that there shouldn’t be any coercion yada yada but as a BDD sufferer my Owner pushing me (consensually) to be naked more often has helped me develop a better body image and allowed me to feel desirable
Man, you guys are fucking AWFUL exploitative enterprises don’t give q shot .I from the I’m fucked because I don’t support the allegiant
Bullshit
Huh?
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I think it’s weird that you’re using that as an excuse to see your SO naked when you can just see your SO naked because that’s what people who are dating do. Therapy could help you figure out why you’re more comfortable blaming a condition for your desire to see your partner naked then just simply requesting it because you love them
