• A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Could’ve been one sentence.

    ‘You are what you eat,’ the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.

    Removed unnecessary adjectives, they distract from the punch imo

    I believe it flows better this way, too. The reader goes directly from A to B to C with a brief stop at horror between B and C, right where you want it.